“We didn’t know him well, but he knew all about us”

When my wife Carolyn’s mother, Sylvia Spellun, died on June 14th, we sat shiva for a week in our Upper East Side apartment and were visited by some of our close friends and business associates. We were also visited by some new acquaintances from our West Side synagogue, Ansche Chesed.

One afternoon during shiva, an older member of the congregation walked in. We had seen him, on occasion, reading from the Torah and leading services, but had never really had the opportunity to speak with him. He is a modest man, so I will not mention his name. He said, modestly, “I was on this side of town so I just thought I would stop by.” He sat with our group for a while and listened attentively. When he left, Carolyn and I talked about the effort he had made to join us. It occurred to us that we often hear Rabbi Kalmanofsky speak to the congregation about moments where we are truly Ansche Chesed, “The People of Kindness,” and indeed, this was one of those moments.

I have written about a congregation’s capacity for ”convenantal kindness”. More than being polite, welcoming, or nice, covenantal kindness reflects a profound understanding of the impact of sickness and loss, and a fundamental commitment to stand with others, both when we want to and when it is more difficult, or not convenient. When a congregation has this type of commitment, they organize themselves to identify those in need, to communicate those needs to the caring community, and to follow through to deliver whatever is needed, for example, shiva books and shiva meals. At USCJ we have developed an assessment called The Attributes of a Thriving Congregation. The assessments asks about this quality of a congregations’ level of covenantal caring, of chesed.

In Thriving Congregations, we have seen that the responsibility of caring for the sick and bereaved does not just fall on the clergy; the responsibility is shared with an ever expanding community, or chavurah, of care. This is what helps develop a culture of caring.

We did not know this man well, but he knew all about us. We were among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem; we were connected to all of the mourners around the world; we were connected to our ancestors who struggled with loss over the ages, and with the generations of comforters who had shared these words of consolation:

המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שאר אבלי ציון וירשלים

Hamakom y'nahem etchem b'tokh sh'ar avelei Tziyon v'Yerushalayim

May God comfort you together with all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.

A Baby Boomer Prepares for the High Holidays

One of my favorite books is Rabbi Alan Lew’s book on the High Holidays called This Is Real and You Are Completely Unprepared: The Days of Awe as a Journey of Transformation. For many years this book has helped to provide me with a wake-up call to get ready to engage the High Holidays with the right level of intention - with Awe. I have been working on a seven-session leadership program called Sulam for Baby Boomers, to be launched in 2016. Sulam is the Hebrew word for ladder. Sulam suggests that there are challenges we need to embrace at every age of development. Sulam for Baby Boomers challenges synagogue members to reflect on their lives, re-energize their spiritual batteries and re-imagine their sense of purpose. Working on this has been an "awesome" experience for me. As I sit at my desk surrounded by books about Baby Boomers, I find myself preparing for the challenges of my High Holiday reflections.

Boomer Challenges and Opportunities

Workaholic Seeking Recovery

We Baby Boomers are well known for our work ethic. We have harnessed our optimism to our careers and been driven to achieve. As we retire, or transition to less prominent roles, we will be losing some of our power, influence and status. I experienced some of this when we sold our family business and I had to adapt to a new set of bosses. At USCJ, I have enjoyed developing three new consulting colleagues who joined our leadership development team last year. I have been working hard to empower them to take the lead in their consultations. This High Holiday season, I will be working to gain greater equanimity. I hope to know better what I should strive to change and what I need to find the courage to accept.

Learning to be a Passenger in My Children’s Car

We Baby Boomers have often over functioned to ensure our children’s success. As my own children have grown, I have had to learn to stop hovering, and to step back and let them live their own lives. I was the kind of dad that often touched the wheel when they were learning to drive (sorry). At 64, I now know that I need to “let go of the wheel of the car” and get in the passenger seat.  Dan and Micah are in Boca Raton, Florida and Eli is in Columbus, Ohio (Go Bucks!). They are doing well, so I can relax a bit...but from the passenger seat I can still try to put my  foot down on the imaginary brakes.

Honoring My Parents

The parents of Baby Boomers are part of a medical revolution that is creating much greater longevity. Baby Boomers have had to deal with the financial and social needs of their parents. They are being challenged to be compassionate about their parents’ physical and mental issues. I saw my father struggle in his last year before he passed away in 2004 at age 87.  As the High Holidays approach,  I have some regrets. As I look back, there were some conversations I wished I had had. Part of honoring parents is coming to terms with memories of parents who have passed away.

For our Baby Boomer program I will be assigning a book by Lee Kravitz called Unfinished Business: One Man’s Extraordinary Year of Trying to Do the Right Things. After he was laid off at the age of 55, Kravitz spent a year looking up people whom he had allowed to slip away. He makes reconnecting with them his priority. What an extraordinary High Holiday reading! Personally, I have tried to keep in better contact with my mother. She lives near my sister, Laurie, at the JCC Complex in Palo Alto. My sons, Daniel, Micah, and Eli, will be joining me to travel to Palo Alto to celebrate my mother’s 90th birthday. Attending to our parents provides a preview of our own aging years. I hope I can live with as much grace as my mother.

Guarding My Health

According to Dr. Rhonda Randall, Chief Medical Officer for United Health Care (Medicare and Retirement), Baby Boomers have a desire to be active and maintain their health and fitness, to stay mentally fit, to remain engaged in their communities and to maintain a connection to learning resources. As many of you know, I got married on June 14 to Carolyn Reinach Wolf. I don’t need Rhonda Randall to lecture me on health and fitness. Carolyn was a former hospital risk manager. I am getting a steady flow of helpful feedback about the risk of carbohydrates.

Self-Awareness - Getting Up on the Balcony

The Baby Boomer site “Boomer Café” is full of articles about the “second acts” of Boomer narratives. Through Sulam for Baby Boomers,  will encourage Boomers to inhabit some reflective “balcony space” where they can take time to re-charge their batteries. We hope they will emerge re-energized with a new sense of purpose for their second or third acts that will be expressed in some form of community contribution.  As I take my seat in the balcony at Ansche Chesed this Rosh Hashanah, I hope to get some more perspective on the year that has passed, and to gain new energy for the year ahead. My work on the challenges and opportunities of my fellow Baby Boomers has inspired me. I hope that my work with them over the coming  year will help them one day be better prepared for their “ Days of Awe.”