Yizkor: Recovering Our Memory

Growing up in Springfield, Ohio, I did not have much of a Hebrew vocabulary. When the High Holidays were upon us people would say “Good Yuntif.” It was years before I learned that the words Yom Tov had any relationship with the High Holidays. Hebrew words and Yiddish words were given a Southern Ohio re-casting. To this day my New York-raised wife Carolyn cannot believe some of the hackneyed Yiddish-like constructions that come out of my mouth. When people were getting ready to go back to synagogue on Yom Kippur I would hear them say, “What time is yisskur?”  I did not know that this had any relationship with the ritual of observing Yizkor (which means remembrance).

During the High Holiday services I would get few clues. In our Reform congregation it was called the Memorial Service.  Clearly there were a lot more people for this service than for the afternoon Torah reading about Jonah and the whale. Our Russian name was Leviatan (big fish) so my father felt called to read (and we to listen) this portion of the afternoon service. We thus had a seat to watch as the room filled up for the Memorial Service.

Our rabbi clearly understood that the Memorial Service was the big draw. He reminded them that there was a time when there was an “unseemly exodus after the memorial service” as people rushed home to eat before the sounding of the Shofar. Of course, this was a mythical past. There were always people moving toward the doors after Kaddish. So that is how I remember how we use to remember.

When I began to go to Conservative synagogue I became aware of Yizkor.  For background, I am sharing this information from Jewish Virtual Library:

Yizkor (Hebrew, literally "remember") is a traditional mourning service recited by those who have lost a parent or a close loved one. This is based on the Jewish belief in the eternity of the soul and that although a soul can no longer do good deeds after death, it can gain merit through the charity and good deeds of the living. It is recited as part of the prayer service four times during the year.

Yizkor is said following the Torah and Haftarah readings on Yom Kippur, on the last day of Passover, on the second day of Shavout, and on the eighth day of Sukkot (Shemini Atzeret). It is said on Yom Kippur because of the belief that the dead as well of the living need atonement on this day. Yizkor also includes a pledge for charity, which is something that is believed to help avert a harsh decree.

Repetition – Excavating our Past

The big idea that has emerged for me is the idea of repetition as an aid to memory. I find the traditional approach has merits over the one day rush to honor and remember that I grew up with.  The wisdom of the tradition speaks to the very challenge of remembering. When I remember my father Harry and my sister Barbara (both May yahrzeits) four times a year I gain new insights.

I understand why my father was sometimes fearful. At age 64, I now understand more about the dangers of the world. I understand why he wanted to hold on to his role in the company.  I am currently training mentees to consult congregations. They now have the primary relationship with the client. I understand what it’s like to get old.  I work with a personal trainer just to be able to bend my knees more fully. It doesn’t just happen. Working through the stiffness makes me all too aware of my own mortality.

Not long ago I heard a song by Mary Chapin Carpenter called “Only a Dream.” It brought back memories of my sister and me playing in the backyard in the late 1950’s in Springfield. My sister, Barbara Leventhal Stern, was a painter and she painted a picture of the two of us from an old black and white photo where she is twirling me around in our backyard. The words of the song brought memories of those long past summer days.

We lived on a street where the tall elm shade
Was as green as the grass and as cool as a blade That you held in your teeth as we lay on our backs Staring up at the blue and the blue stared back
We'd grow just as tall and as proud as we pleased
With our feet on the ground and our arms in the breeze
Under a sheltering sky
Let me grow dizzy and fall to the ground
And when I look up at you looking down,
Say it was only a dream

I used to believe we were just like those trees

Twirl me about, and twirl me around

Lifting Up the Veil

Yizkor helps me pull back the veil of forgetfulness about my sister’s and father’s lives. I see them more clearly. I also meet them halfway. I am changing all year long. Layer by layer I lift back the veil to overcome my amnesia and to correct the lens of my vision.  Over time I am able to make connections between an old painting in our collection and song I just discovered. Together the memory becomes real. Yizkor provides a time for these explorations and I am thankful for having a tradition that encourages me to excavate and uncover my memories- to remember. For those in mourning, Yizkor is a time where the synagogue community can really be a place of remembrance and healing.

It's Never Too Late

Some friends asked me if it was a little late for such a celebration at my age. Since I am in the synagogue ritual business I felt compelled to consider their question. The following are some of my remarks from my speech at the wedding reception for Carolyn Reinach Wolf and me (6-14-2015):

When I was transitioning from the business world I decided to get a Masters in Jewish education. As I was writing papers one friend asked, “Isn’t it a little late to start grad school?”

After Carolyn and I had been together for a few years I bought Dr. John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. She saw the book and asked, “Isn’t it a little late for advice?”  Now I was able to use some Jewish aikido to turn her around. I told her that I had done the self-assessment for couples. She is so competitive she wanted to know, “How are we were doing?”

When I told friends that we were doing a wedding in New York, one friend from Ohio said, “A real wedding? A reception, music- the whole deal in New York?  Isn’t it a little late for all that? You didn’t consider just going to a rabbi’s study and having a cocktail party later?” We stand before you as a living proof that it isn’t too late. I believe that it’s never too late to learn something new. That’s what motivates me to teach synagogue board members who sometimes think they “know it all by now.”

Respect: I See You

Dr. Gottman said that one of the best signs of a promising couple is mutual respect. The word respect comes from the Latin world- specere- to look. We chose to ritualize this by walking around each other three times so we could look at each other as individuals before we entered the chuppa together. Like the trees in our Ketuba, we are different but entwined.  The sages say that if you repeat something three times it begins to become a habit. Three times around. We hope to make our mutual respect a habit.

I have the greatest respect for Carolyn. She never stopped learning. As a self-made career woman she has never stopped hustling. Tenacity was a core value of my family’s business too.

Carolyn’s work requires compassion. We share a compassion for troubled souls. She advocates for the rights of the mentally ill who are often hidden. Advocating for them is often an uphill battle. I advocate for the importance of synagogues and how they ritualize what is most important in a world that is often perplexing. Today, the benefits and blessings of Jewish living are often hidden to many. Making the case is an uphill battle. We share a respect for tenacity. We don’t give up in our work. We have not given up on each other. Here we are!

Fond Memory

Dr. Gottman suggests that couples who do well hold on to fond memories of their early years together.  They have the capacity to have a palpable connection to when their love was  fresh and strong. The Torah expresses this sentiment between God and the Jewish people (in Jeremiah 2:2):

I remember for thee the affection of thy youth, the love of thy espousals, how thou wentest after me in the Wilderness, in a land that was not sown.

We have put photographic mementos on your tables of the last four glorious years we have shared together. When we face challenges, we hope you will remind us of the promise of our early years.

Loving Witness

Dr. Gottman suggests it is important to have a ceremony where you are surrounded by well-wishers. Just as we were wrapped in the talit, so all of you who have attended have wrapped us in your love and helped make this day sacred and special. Those are not small things. It is never too late to gain love and support for the road ahead. Thank you for coming!